I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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