Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
