i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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