last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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