Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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