What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
