I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
