i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
