We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The Olympian is in my bed
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
