Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I can't turn off my feet"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
