guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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