we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
