Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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