my phone needs a breathalizer
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
