Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
