If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Can you repeat that, but with context?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
