matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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