I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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