The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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