my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
