If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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