Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
this will be a night to untag.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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