I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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