MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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