I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
