So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
