holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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