OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
