I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
