woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My boob is missing a layer of skin
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
