i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
