I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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