I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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