Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
