Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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