Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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