ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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