They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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