His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
