I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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