you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
