I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We don't watch enough power rangers
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
