I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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