Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
