Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You have to summon your inner elephant
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
