I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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