there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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