I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
