upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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