i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
