i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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